March 10, 2006


So it's a friday night and I am doing absolutely nothing. Sitting in my kitchen, surfing the web and watching Will & Grace re-runs, for the last 3 and a half hours. Why? Is it because I am utterly devoid of a social life?

I like to believe that I can answer that honestly with a "no". I could be out doing something with friends but...I just got too comfortable sitting at home and decided not to call my friends to see what they were doing, even though I know they are going out. Heck I even called my one friend and told her I would see her later tonight. But now I am just sitting here and just don't wanna.

The truth is I don't feel like I have the energy to go out. It isn't the act of going out I don't have the energy for. It's the act of being fun, interesting, cool, and completely easygoing/nonconfrontational. I'm never me when I'm out with my friends. Because I don't think I would have friends for much longer if I just acted like myself and not like the friendly everything goes guy I am around them. Because people have a tendecy to misunderstand my true personality as one of being an "asshole". Which isn't true, I just tell it like it is, complete honesty, and total loyalty and care. Don't you get it? I'm blunt because I like you. The people I don't like, I don't talk to.

What I really want tonight is someone to hang out with. A real friend who I could spend hours with, not talking at all, and never feel awkward. Kinda like how I am with my mom, but I want someone who isn't related to me. Someone who will be just as honest, frank, loyal, and loving with me as I am with them. That's what I value, the truth no matter how good or bad from someone who loves you. That means something. That is a true friend.

I suppose I'm saying I want a soulmate. Whether it be a friend or a lover, I want someone, other than family, who is always there, even when they're not.

Is that so much to ask? nahh

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